Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
