Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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