found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize