Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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