two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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