if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
