so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
