I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
