i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
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no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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