Do you still have your period?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
