is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
