We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
