I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
