I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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