I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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