Ambien. No doubt about it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
