life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
