I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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