I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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