All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
