im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.