There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
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the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask