I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
