The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
