I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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