She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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