I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
