i just snorted my name. best moment ever
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
