Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
