dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
