The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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