I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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