I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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