This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
