I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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