i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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