I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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