Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
