I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
