In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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