I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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