Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
