i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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