I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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