Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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