EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
