Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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