I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
