Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Hippo gnu deer
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
