Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
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Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
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and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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