I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
