I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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