i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
