i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
