I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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