i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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