I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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