He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
