mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
