I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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