By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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